Ten Commandments of Dating
Dr. Strangelove, Spring 2024
ONE: If someone suggests phil (the bar/cafe/bookstore) as a place for a first date, ghost them and never look back.
TWO: If your date is American, there are no data privacy laws protecting them. Find out as much as you can about them on Facebook, online yellow pages, and Zillow before the date. If you can’t find any info about them online, that’s also a red flag. Knowledge is power, better safe than sorry, you never know with Americans, etc.
THREE: On a first date, it’s always a good idea to go to a very loud bar, like Café Monic or ZWE on Wednesdays (free jazz). This is so that when you repeatedly say “who?” to their favorite band/artist/movie that you’re too above-ground to know, they will have to assume you just couldn’t hear them over the music.
FOUR: Never go on a second date with someone who spends the entire first date bragging about their drug usage. I once went out with someone who bragged about how much ket they had done with their friends during the police’s anti-drug visit to their high school. Dating him was like dating a volatile roller coaster: exciting but never again.
FIVE: If they ask for your Letterboxd, move forth with great caution. If they ask for your Goodreads, cancel the date or walk out of the g-damn place. RateYourMusic (or as I like to abbreviate RateUrNmusic) is self-explanatory. RYM users don’t go on dates.
SIX: If you do exchange Letterboxds, or they—God forbid—offer it up unprovoked, you have just unlocked the keys to this prospect’s red-flag collection, however minimalist or abundant it may be. Some No-Go Top 4’s include The Godfather Part II, Fight Club, Pulp Fiction, Persona, 500 Days of Summer, Interstellar, The Color of Pomegranates, Pearl, The Square, Mulholland Drive, Dead Poets Society, Pi, Life of Pi, Stop Making Sense, True Stories, and Supersonic. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
SEVEN: Anybody who talks about Jean Baudrillard, Mark Fisher, or Le Corbusier, and, as the kids say, “think they cooked,” should be avoided at all costs. Their inferiority complex is not your summer project to resolve.
EIGHT: Any diehard fans of The Smiths, The Cure, or My Bloody Valentine... unless you find enjoyment in comforting someone after nervous-induced impotency... do not do it. Bonus commandment: You cannot fix a cis man who listens to Aphex Twin. They only get worse with age. Stop trying.
NINE: So your date is wearing Vans in 2024. Are they unemployed? Most likely. Are they 16? You probably shouldn’t date them. Do they skate? I would rather be a minor’s +1 to any given function than be seen in public with an adult skater mall-grabbing his board by the lightly scratched trucks.
TEN: If they refer to Favoriten as “the hood” or allude to it being somehow more dangerous than other districts, they are unlovable. It is the golden rule.
